'Tis the season of thankfulness. All month, I’ve read the
many things my friends have given thanks for each day, and contemplated my own
state of gratitude.
This year, I’m thankful for something rather odd, something
I never thought I’d ever admit to being, much less thankful for. Take note,
mark it on your calendar, burn it into memory, because it’s that unlikely an
admission and you won't see it again v. I’m sure Mr. Hat will be hauling this out for years to come. Ready?
I’m thankful that I WAS WRONG.
Better said, God was right. As always.
It isn’t the first time He’s taken my well-laid plans and
altered them. By “altered” I mean laid waste to, annihilated, completely
obliterated. I never get that “still, small voice,” but rather the 2'x4' upside the head. Hard.
And back in March, that two by four was shrunk to one little
stick 6"x1” – a little white stick one pees on.
After 17 years of fertility treatments and sheer
negligence that produced nothing, one doesn’t expect it to say “pregnant.” I gave up any hope of seeing that result 12 years
ago and happily adopted to complete my family. My family was made
complete six years ago, with the adoption of our son. All three kids were
finally in school all day. Everyone
could carry their own gear, zip their own coats, feed themselves, pick up after themselves (even
if it does take lots of badgering). We could go out without having to hire a
babysitter or take kids with us. It was a brave, new, wonderful stage of life –
and we loved it.
So, I wasn’t at all happy to see that word. Nope. I cried –
and it wasn’t tears of joy. I ranted. I contemplated jumping from the roof. I
swore a blue streak – a few blue streaks. I cried some more. I panicked a lot.
Why now, after all those years we would have welcomed this news but went
without? Suddenly, I identified with a whole new side of Sarah, beyond the
years of ache.
So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?” Gen 18:12
And so began eight months of denial, discomfort, health
complications, tears – and a good deal of laughter. It really was just so
ridiculous at my age, when menopause was more likely than pregnancy. My oldest
was beginning her senior year; surely one shouldn’t be shopping for colleges
and layettes at the same time. I felt like I was the amusement in God’s sense of
humor.
Then, as suddenly and surprisingly as it began, it ended in
an emergency c-section a few weeks early.
They handed me this unbelievably tiny little thing, with a
nose the size of my fingertip and a mouth equally small. His cry, when he
cried, was also tiny, much like a slow leak in a helium balloon. He looked at
me with these steel blue eyes, pursed his little lips into this adorable little
“o” the size of a Cheerio – and suddenly it was all OK. More than OK.
It was perfect. And wonderful.
I confess I spend a good portion of each day just staring at
him, loving him so much it hurts, overwhelmed with the feeling of unbelievable gratitude to have him. Sure, I knew in my head that when he got
here, it’d all be fine and I would be glad. But I find I underestimated just
how thankful I would be. Sleepless nights, being covered in spit up, changing
countless dirty diapers aren’t dimming the wonderfulness in the least.
I should have known that having my plans thwarted would be
this wonderful. I've been here before. In being deprived of the ability to conceive, I was moved to
adoption, a thing I’m so privileged to be a part of. I’ve known for years I’d
have been robbed of something so awesomely marvelous if I’d have had the
biological kids I’d planned on. There it is again – my plan, exchanged for
something better.
So this season of Thanksgiving, I’m tremendously thankful:
for miracles, survival, sanity, coos, a sacrificial spouse, a six year old who
adores being a brother, a rosebud mouth and tiny fingers, supportive friends, thwarted plans, a God who knows me and my needs so
much better than I do...
...for being wrong.
Drat it, I'm crying. So happy for you!
ReplyDeleteCrying, of course. I love you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post, Jennifer!
ReplyDeleteOH, JEN! How beautiful! Congratulations! And...isn't our God wonderful?
ReplyDelete